Written on October 13, 2026
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My Past
I have lost everything a few years ago. I’ve lost my career as a software developer. I’ve lost my wife and children. I’ve lost almost all appetite for this life.
The boring backstory nobody wants to read, is that I was raised as a secular liberal, a friendless, socially inept computer nerd.
I don’t remember most of my life. I remember, as child, doing everything I can to forget the past year entirely, because it was so horrifyingly upsetting. I also remember that it wasn’t the first time. I think it’s because of this that I struggle with memory. The few good memories I had of my past, were tarnished or ruined by revelations, such as being with a woman who was unfaithful.
A year after college, I tried to become Catholic, but it was a short-lived conversion from my agnosticism, because everyone in my life was firmly anti-Christian, and in subtle ways worked hard to “save” me from it, successfully. I only really began to live as a Catholic a couple years ago.
In 2023, I wrote a best-selling and critically-acclaimed comedy book in order to pass the time, and perhaps buy a little more time. Since then, it made $250k in royalties. But sales have since decreased steadily.
For all of 2024, I lived in an empty three bedroom house, the whole time searching for solace or comfort in anything. I ate well, drank wine, practiced piano, learned violin, played chess, debated religion online, and created video games.
But no hobby or endeavor felt worthwhile or fulfilling. No pain or pleasure moves me to action anymore. For the most part, I now live only by principle.
At this point in my life, I think it is too late for me to start over. I’m already burdened with a devastating lack of social skills from a broken childhood, which had the cascading effect that I’ve never really networked or made lasting friendships. And my relatives and I finally fell out when I began to practice Catholicism faithfully.
The result is that I am now all alone in this life, waiting patiently for the next, the one that’s worthwhile. And I am getting more and more unwell as time goes on.
My Present
During 2024, I worked on and off on a theology book, which currently sits at about 40,000 words. Since then, I’ve drafted many more notes and chapters.
Starting mid 2025, I began to do surveys in Chicago, entirely motivated by my pure loneliness and isolation. I didn’t have any expectations or hopes at first, but over time I hoped to form meaningful friendships, and perhaps even find my soulmate.
But these things, of course, never happened. I did meet many acquaintances I’m fairly fond of. And several women offered to help me break my vow of celibacy, which broke my heart, and which I of course refused or sabotaged.
The only thing that really came of my surveys, were conversations and different perspectives that became notes and food for thought for my book.
My plan, God willing, is to split it into two separate books:
- Moral Responsibility (tentative cover)
- What is Love? (tentative cover)
Both books are meant to explain reality in the unique way I see it, a perspective of life which I’ve never heard or read anywhere else, centered around Adam, Eve, and the Dragon, in the Garden of Eden.
Both explore the hidden events that unfolded in that mysterious Garden, extrapolated from years of my own deep dive into theology, relying on books written hundreds or thousands of years ago, and only by the most reputable saints, mystics, and theologians ever born.
Almost all the books that I found in my research are old enough to be in the public domain, and are hosted on the archival website archive.org. I created a website to organize and digitize these books: ImmaculataLibrary.com
Moral Responsibility is meant to compare the Kingdom of the Dragon, which began in Eden, to the Kingdom of God, which began on the cross. It explains and compares citizenship in both kingdoms, connecting their principles to modern day life, and reexamining what Heaven and Hell truly mean. Ideally, it will fundamentally redefine Christianity.
What is Love? is meant to analyze every form and type of relationship the world has ever seen, comparing them to all the forms that Adam, Eve, and the Dragon had, and to the supernatural and mystical marriage of Jesus and Mary, and to the natural but heavenly marriage of Mary and Joseph. I was quite surprised by how many connections I was able to make, finding in the Garden of Eden everything from love triangles to cuckoldry, from bisexuality to bestiality, from gender fluidity to toxic masculinity, from polyamory to Mary’s perpetual virginity, and, of course, the origin and realization of all fairy tale happy endings.
My Future
My biggest temptation for the past year has been to not write these books, but rather, like the prophet Jonah, to abandon my God-given task, instead pursuing my own happiness. I continuously believed the assertions that I am too unskilled at writing, that my topics are of interest to no one, that I couldn’t possibly hold a reader’s attention, that it would just be an exercise in narcissistic vanity, and that it’s overall an utterly pointless endeavor.
But I’m getting more and more unwell as time goes on. I read yesterday in the gospel where Jesus said, “to he who has not, even what he thinks he has will be taken from him.” (Luke 8:18) I know that, in my case, Jesus means time. I may think I have time left, but any day, he may say to me, “you fool, this very night your life will be demanded of you.” (Luke 12:20). And I think to myself: why did God give me this knowledge and perspective, unless he wanted me to share it? (Judges 13:23, Revelation 1:19, Luke, 11:33)
There are only a few more questions I want to do surveys for:
- Should “I hate you” be considered hate speech?
- Do you believe in the supernatural?
- Are you 100% sober from everything?
- (Possibly a couple more I can’t remember right now.)
And I’m getting tired of standing out in Chicago holding a sign. The people that brighten my day are now too few and far between.
Convinced that nobody will read this article, and as yet another one of my social experiments, I’m giving out my personal phone number: 815-245-1625. Feel free to text me about anything.
Bonus Content
First, here are some of my music playlists turned into YouTube playlists. The titles and descriptions of each should be enough for now.
I also have started uploading videos to both my TikTok and YouTube. But instead of being boring videos of my content, they’re clips I’ve found on the internet that have captivated me for their pure authenticity, all centered around love and romance.