Survey: Should women ask men out?

Written on March 2, 2026

Two sides

The first side got filled up fast, because the first people to take it were very, very high on weed, and had no idea what a tally was, so they added checkmarks, and everyone after them also did, which filled up the board way too quickly. So I took a break shortly after noon, and came back and redid the survey on the other side.

Flawed question

Two problems with this one.

First, the wording was too ambiguous. I wanted an option that meant “men should never ask women out, only women should do the asking” but that didn’t translate well when people read “preferred” or “ideal”. They just took those to mean an emphatic “yes”. I tried explaining that to a few people, but gave up on that fairly quickly.

Second, the wording was inconsistent in the redo. There’s a big difference between “should” and “can”.

Results

If we add “no” to “not ideal” (roughly 62) and “fine” to “ideal/preferred” (roughly 175) then it looks like a 1:3 ratio.

About twice as many people think yes, it’s at least fine if not great for women to ask men out.

That’s actually fairly surprising, to have such a low ratio, considering Chicago is so liberal.

Also, near the beginning of the second version, someone added “I’m gay” and a few people put themselves. Some people accidentally added to it when they meant “ideal!”

Demographics

Most of the people who put “no” and “not ideal” were young people, which was very surprising. A few were middle aged. You’d think younger people would be more progressive, and older people would be more traditional.

In fact, one older woman asked who put “no” when there was only one, and I said it was an older woman, and she said “oh that makes sense, it’s a generation thing.”

I think all old people only put ideal or fine. I don’t think any old people put no or unideal.

Fine/ideal were fairly mixed in age, ethnicity, culture. No/unideal were fairly mixed in ethnicity, culture, and gender.

I took this note after the survey but don’t remember what it means: “More men than women seemed to put ideal/preferred.”

It seems that older people are generally more liberal, and younger people are generally more progressive!

Conversations

There weren’t that many conversations.

For the people who put “no” I said “more old fashioned, eh?” But most didn’t answer or just smiled, a small few said yes or nodded.

A young woman who identifies as a “guy,” yet seems very traditionally feminine, wrote “well frick, someone’s got to” on the second survey. Interesting that she implied that men aren’t asking women out.

Related to that, one confident young man who seems like a gym bro, said that it’s dangerous for men to ask women out, because if they read the situation wrong, all it takes is one accusation of harassment, and he gets MeToo’d and his life is ruined.

One young man who I think identifies as gay and is usually dressed very effeminately said that he believes men should be traditional in the beginning, by asking her out, and paying for dates, because he’s basically a dog on a leash, and needs to be led by her in this and similar such ways.

One person said it’s the man’s job to lead in a relationship.

“What is masculinity?”

I actually did this survey on Saturday instead of Sunday like I usually do. After talking to some priests, I agree with them that surveys are too much work for Sunday, and I’m not getting the rest that my soul needs that day.

So this Sunday, I intended to take the day off, and enjoy some cigars. I made an ad hoc cardboard sign that said “aura farming corner” as social commentary on how people look at me because of how I’m dressed, and smoked my cigar near that sign for a while, and a few people snapped some photos, and a few guys laughed or said something approving.

During that time, I ran into a young man I met and talked to a few times, and we talked about potential surveys about masculinity. He brought up a Dostoevsky’s book, which I’m sure he said was The Underground Man but I think he meant Notes from Underground, and Kierkegaard’s book The Sickness Unto Death. I gave him a cigar and he smoked it all wrong.

But besides that, it was such a boring day, and I have no one in my life to talk to, so I made another ad hoc cardboard sign that said “what is masculinity?” and affixed it to the light post with a stick. I almost think resourcefulness is a masculine trait.

I got only two answers from people who I’ve talked to before. The first was that its entirely a social construct, and that it’s pushed on boys too much and causes them harm, because then they feel like they can’t discover their actual identity. The second answer was that people from Jupiter wouldn’t care what gender we are.

Future surveys?

I am very seriously considering stopping my surveys altogether, and just finishing my book with what I have so far, for a few reasons.

First, I feel so very guilty when I don’t recognize someone’s face. There are many people I do recognize, but quite a few that recognize me, and I don’t recognize them. I do wonder if some of them have just stopped approaching me and doing my surveys altogether, though I wouldn’t know, because I wouldn’t recognize them just walking by. This makes me feel like an awful, arrogant person.

Second, sometimes employees at local businesses take my survey, and then avoid me or even making eye contact with me. It seems it’s likely because they regret taking it, sharing a personal thought through a vote with a stranger, who then sometimes goes into their place of business. I regret causing people anxiety like this so unnecessarily and I regret creating and sustaining this scenario.

Third, there is an unfortunate bias to my surveys. When I picked the spot to do them in, I had no idea there was an art school residence nearby. Because of that, a not-insigificant number of votes and discussion answers come from some of them. This perhaps tips the scales too much in one direction.

Fourth, I have been accidentally misleading people. Some people thanked me for my surveys. One young woman in a coffee shop said I’m a good person. Overall, my life has been a net negative. I’ve not been a good person for most of my life, if ever. My surveys are entirely selfish. I’m writing a book and collecting data. I’m trying to understand life through other people’s perspectives. The only way my surveys can be justified a little is that people have told me they appreciate them.

Bonus content

There is a piano piece I have loved for ten years now, so two years ago I bought a piano and learned it. I recently recorded me playing it, and put it here (unlisted) on YouTube.